Services
Some of the services I offer include …
- Blogging. I write this one for free, and it kicks ass. Just imagine what kind of post a hundred million dollars would get you. Or even twenty five dollars.
- Articles for magazine, newspaper or the web. I can write a plain, old boring and informative article for you. It will get the point across loud and clear. I charge extra for this because it means I have to reign in my awesomeness. Or I can write an article so cheeky that your Aunt Margaret in Alaska will blush clear through her balaclava. Note that I casually drop words with four A’s in them (ie, balaclava) like bombs on bad guys.
- Copywriting. What does any great copywriter aim for? Results. I will write copy so great that I forget I wrote it. The stunning brilliance of the copy will leap out, shining like a angel of advertising, and even I will fall for my own words, buying your product.
- Editing and proofreading. I jumped out of a plane once. I ended up falling into a gopher hole thousands of feet below – there’s video proof to my stunning display of bravery. Gary the Gopher was making a card for his wife, Glenda Gopher, and he misspelled “Birthday.” I saw this from the plane, because spelling errors are obvious to me at any distance, and through walls. I plumetted down to the Earth in time to save Gary’s ass adding the all important “h” between the “t” and the “d.” The moral of the story? There is a time and place to be adventurous. Spelling, however, is not one of those times.
There are a lot of ways of getting where you want to go.
- Some writers are bicycles – they are poetic and lyrical, the wheels spin and nature, birds and crap, sings in unison with them.
- Some writers are vespas – they are hip, know the coolest bands you’ve never heard of, and buy clothes in thrift shops.
- Some writers are mini vans – they get excessively frustrated in traffic, produce rivetting grocery lists and can’t seem to shed that last ten pounds.
- There are a lot of types of people in the world, and a lot of types of writers. I am basically a hovercraft with a bar, hot tub and discoball inside.
I’m not your great grandma’s freelance writer. Even she would be impressed, because I knit a mean afghan. My knitting needles are two teeth from a Great White Shark.
I’ve shed that false veneer that pretends to be professionalism and taken on the body of a dynamo. I am driven and dedicated. I will get you from point A to point B with the style and grace of a bad ass ninja, but with the power and force of a maniac pirate.
